Hey Favre! Go Away Already!

Not many people know this about me, but I grew up with Brett Favre ~ actually, we're best friends and speak every day. The following conversation between Brett and I has never been leaked to the media, but I thought it needed to be brought to the public in light of his recent "unretirement."

Ok, he may not call us best friends... or even good friends... he might actually say he's never met me before... but if we did speak every day, this is how I'd imagine it would've gone, as it relates to his return to the NFL.

"Dayne, I know I'm 68 years old, can barely walk anymore, and have retired 17 times already, but I need to return to the NFL... AGAIN! I understand that I'll probably throw more interceptions than completions, but dammit ~ someone needs Brett Favre!" (He enjoys talking in 3rd person). 

"Yeah, I know I cried like a little baby during the press conference of my first retirement speech, and swore I was never coming back... but golly-gee, Dayne ~ I'm Brett Favre! I need the attention of my fans and the world media! What will I do at home without ESPN calling everyday, asking for an interview? How will I ever be asked to appear in those incredibly stupid Levis commercials? You know the ones... where it's me and 15 of my closest friends, playing football in the mud... and I'm supposed to act like I'm having the best time of my life throwing long passes to a bunch of morons who can't catch!"

"Dayne, you're my best friend and the one guy I've always gone to for advice. I know you told me to stay retired after Green Bay, but I just couldn't do it... I needed to stick-it to the Packers, who didn't appreciate my greatness, so I went against your perfect advice, and joined the New York Jets for 2008. Hey, it was actually going great. We were on our way to the playoffs, I was being called a genius for coming back, but then something happened..."

That "something," Brett: Was your 68 year old body, mind and ego finally showing up at the end of the season. You managed to single-handedly sink an entire organization's hopes of reaching the playoffs, as well as getting the head coach fired! You through interception after interception, and what was once thought of as a miracle comeback, was quickly returned to...

OH YEAH, WE FORGOT ~ IT'S BRETT FREAKIN' FAVRE! 

                                          

Hey great one, I've got some advice for you: After last year's debacle, why don't you tell everyone that you've had it. Let everyone know that your body can't handle another intense season of the NFL, so you're definitely, without question, calling it quits! Don't cry this time, though, because you're a man... a tough football kind of man. Then, what I want you to do is wait until the very first game of 2009's preseason... 

And "unretire" again!!! Yeah, this time you'll pretend that there's no way you're going to sign, but then at the last second, sign a $12 million contract (for 1 year?!) with the Vikings ~ especially because you totally deserve that type of money. I mean, c'mon... you did ALMOST make the playoffs last year. 

Hey Favre! Go away already!